Please, let me fuck your mom
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize