my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
