when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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