Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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