I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
