we should wear snuggies to the strip club
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
