doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
