I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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