So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
