The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
How naked do you want me to be?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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