I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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