i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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