70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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