Midget sex pt 2 tonight
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
