my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
