Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
