It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We have so much sex to catch up on
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
