he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
