there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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