Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
