Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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