cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize