my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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