Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
