Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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