my mouth tastes like poor choices
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Cover your peen. We're going out.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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