shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
