How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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