I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
