If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
