my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just forgot I was standing up.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
