Soap is not a condiment
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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