God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
