I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
They are going to name an STD after you.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
