i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
