if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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