either way he was missing a nipple.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
