He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
