Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
