I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
