I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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