I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Randomize
