i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
