can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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