you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
