I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
