My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
