GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize