Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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