My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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