there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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