Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
