Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
