I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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