You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
