Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
