I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
