You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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