I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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