hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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