I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
