Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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