woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
